i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
