this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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