i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
