I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
