3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
