so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
