Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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