Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
