i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
