No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
