I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I want her autograph on my taint
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
