P.S. I can't hear my feet
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
