that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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