We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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