Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
