you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Randomize
