please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
