i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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