guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
