I'm so fucking centered right now
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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