So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
