he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere