I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
