So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
