Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
