I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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