So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
