i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
