She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
