Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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