all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
