Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
