TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
