wanna go halves on a baby?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
