You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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