If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
