I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
