Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Randomize
