She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
