I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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