Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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