i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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