my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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