And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Randomize
