note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
