Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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