I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
