Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
