God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
