pop tarts are not kleenex
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
