Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i just had sex bonerless
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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