Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
