he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
