I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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