my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
