dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You can't motorboat a personality
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
