so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
