I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
