yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
either way he was missing a nipple.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I don't deserve a penis
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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