i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just invented taco cereal.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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