2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
