I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
